I Know What I Heard, but What Did You Say???

The difference between success and failure; growth or decline; is often found in the quality of the communication we have in our relationships. In fact miscommunication is often the culprit of many problems that are found more often than the lack of communication. The reason is that miscommunication can lead to engaging the emotions to a point that we stop communicating, and hold negative emotions about a person, procedure or even the entire organization. Let’s start with the basics – understanding human behavior and then we will learn about communication styles and methods we can utilize to better our own communication.

We all communicate differently. There is no right or wrong way to communicate. The difference is understanding our own behavior and that of others. As we age, we often don’t remember that people from other generations don’t have the same memories and experiences we have had. We should first seek to understand and then to be understood. When we communicate we need to try to keep our emotions out of the conversation as much as possible. Since we are human, this is often a huge undertaking, but one worth taking. Let’s break it down into smaller pieces.

Most of us become defensive if we feel that we need to justify an action or belief that we have. We can try to focus our initial learning at “checking our own emotions at the door” when we enter a conversation. Many times people ask questions about your beliefs or behavior because they are trying to develop their own course of action. They may simply be trying to understand us, not trying to persuade us. They may want clarification rather than an argument. We can best change the outcome of many conversations by changing our reactions.

We can also seek to understand others by beginning our communication by putting any fears that they may have about our wanting to change their actions or beliefs at ease simply by indicating that we are trying to ascertain information to understand their actions or beliefs. Also, if you are from a different generation or even culture, be sure you keep that in mind when interacting with those people. If we engage emotions when attempting to communicate, most communications shut down. Emotions cause people to become defensive and even sometimes offensive. Some would rather win the argument than be right. We can learn a lot from one another if we approach our communication with a new view. “Seek first to understand then to be understood.” Stephen Covey – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Listen with others’ communication styles in mind as well as your own and plan your communication appropriately. We need to be conscious of all styles in order to be more effective communicators.

So what do we mean by differing communication styles? Well, did you ever notice a time when you had a great idea and you went to a coworker, boss or family member with the idea and were met with complete silence? Or perhaps you had all the details and they only wanted to hear the bottom line? You get the picture. It is because you have different communication styles and you need to adjust to their style in order to be heard and to hear them. Let me take you through an exercise that will enable you to discover your own personal communication style, sometimes called a learning style, and help you understand the differences. I’ll help you learn techniques to communicate better across communication styles. First there is the intuitive style. This is the person who is a “big picture” person. The kind of person who likes to ask “What if?” and then continues on. They can sometimes be seen as dreamers. They are in the upper left quadrant of the communication styles diagram on the concrete experience and active experimentation axis. Other descriptions of this style communicator are: adaptable; enthusiastic; crisis; active problem solving; risk takers; learn by trial and error; inventive; and leads by energizing people and holding up the vision. Another style is the sympathetic communicator. They are the “Why?” askers of the four styles. This style is located in the upper right quadrant of the communications styles diagram on the concrete experience and reflective observation axis. They can sometimes be seen as unresponsive when spoken to as they reflect to gather their thoughts. Feelings and emotions direct them. They are helpful; seek personal meaning; sensitive; and people oriented. They like to bring harmony and tackle problems first by reflecting alone and then by brainstorming with others. They lead by trust and participation and are observers of others. The next style is the analytical communicator. They are those people who consistently ask “What?”. They reside in the lower right quadrant of the communications styles diagram on the reflective observation and abstract conceptualization axis. They are driven by intellect. They like the details, are well organized, and are very firm minded. They become uncomfortable with subjective judgements preferring to make decisions impersonally. They learn and communicate by thinking through ideas. They always consider what the experts think before making decisions. They lead by principles and procedures. The last style is the practical communicator. They are the people who want to know how things work. They like to experiment and seek analytical solutions to problems. They thrive on plans and timelines. They reside in the lower left quadrant of the communication styles diagram along the active experimentation and abstract conceptualization axis. They tend to be precise, steady, and like practical problem solving. They value strategic thinking and have limited tolerance for fuzzy ideas. They lead by personal forcefulness and integrate theory and practice.

As I’m sure you can see, the differences in communication styles are quite dramatic in some instances. Now you can see perhaps why you don’t quite get along with some people and marvelously with others. It’s usually all in the communication style. It might also be a misunderstanding of jargon from your age demographic, so be aware of this. People from opposite quadrants have the most difficulty communicating together – the analytical with the intuitive and the sympathetic with the practical. So you see, communication can be complicated, but it doesn’t have to be! The more you lean into other people’s communication style, the more you will be communicating! Know also that as we enter different stages of life we may also have an imbalance of hormones that bring emotional responses into our conversations. Plan as much buffer time as you can to defuse any potential emotion responses in our communication as possible. It is okay to ask for time to think before responding. And lastly when communicating with older parents who need to make a life changing decision, don’t take the attitude and communication style that would indicate you are changing roles (you becoming the parent and they the child). Doing this will only engage emotions and no communication will likely take place.